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We must have a beginner’s mind, free from possessing anything, a mind that knows everything is in flowing change. Nothing exists but momentarily in its present form and color. One thing flows into another and cannot be grasped. Before the rain stops we hear a bird. Even under the heavy snow we see snowdrops.

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.

All things that are born must die. Work hard for your freedom from sorrow.

Excerpt from Bill Hicks - Sane Man

I don't want to go to my interview tomorrow, besides hating being interviewed, I'm so lazy I wish I could just sleep in. The parts about myself I always hide are what I saw as my deepest connection to someone else. -.- Being over-analytical mostly just has its bad side, but I can't help it. The way I view my situation at this point its hard to be happy with momentary gain. Wanting to be wanted is useless. Its different when its someone new. Wanting to be wanting and uselessness and uselessness. Feeling so fleeting at the end of this the end of this. I need sleep. Why do I feel like this. 

nightmare- the world

Within the spreading darkness, we exchanged vows of revolution
An evil flower that sprouted because it was loved
Because I can’t let anyone interfere
With everything that’ll come about from now on

The future that the fruit told me of
The city that has forgotten reasoning
The present time is distorted black
Dreams, turn into ideals

Why? Am I a broken Messiah?
Everyone wished for a “finale”…

Within the spreading darkness, we exchanged vows of revolution
An evil flower that sprouted because it was loved
I can’t let anyone interfere
With everything that’ll come about from now on

Someday, I’ll show you
A shining sky

Why? Am I a broken Messiah?
Everyone dreamt of a “paradise”…

Within the spreading darkness, we exchanged vows of revolution
An evil flower that sprouted because it was loved
I can’t let anyone interfere
With everything that’ll come about from now on

Someday, I’ll show you
A shining world


It might be the caffiene talking but I'm enamored with the shape of my fate.
Maybe it's the water waving at me but I'm in love with these visions of late.
A tiny man sits by himself on the edge of his ninth floor hotel,
and after only one cup and two sugars, he sees the world so well.
Could it be that what we see is a product of what we've seen 'til now?
And if it is, and every inch of sight matters, I'll thank my eyes somehow.

I woke up today to a girl laughing menacingly in my head, which was creepy. -.- but its better than worms... daily life has been really frustrating recently, and I can't find a way to relieve the tension, and get back to some kind of relaxed state of mind. well anyway.. when i get back i can work on my new layout, maybe. but i have to get ready now 

o.o sigh

really gay

"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
Albert Einstein

Everything is really gay. My sleeping pattern is all messed up, I just woke up and I felt really funky. Like I'm sick.. but its slowly going away the longer I'm awake. I had dreams about giant worms again that are trying to attack me.. -.- I hate those dreams so much. I have a feeling I know exactly what's going to happen, and there's no way I can change anything. The thought of forgiving him so quickly makes me want to throw up. And it makes me feel like he definitely won't change. Knowing he is willing to do that stuff to me is proof enough to end it completely. There are a lot of things I have a hard time saying right. ...to steal something from a cartoon... maybe even the companionship of an unworthy person, is preferable to loneliness. In the end my state of mind and overall well-being are the most important things. If I have to sacrifice some of my standards and self respect.. will it be worth it. To be comfortable. To not be alone. Forgiveness might even be just positive thinking, maybe what's happened will eventually drive us to hate each other, like it drove a wedge between us that will only get bigger with time. I can't relate to what he did and I can't understand how someone would be able to do that while still being in love with someone else. I can understand other reasons. And thinking about that makes me positive things will never get back to normal. But there's this feeling again.. like I know how I'll let things turn out. I can't figure it out right now.

I need to go back to sleep. In my bed for once.


new falcor bedding
old navy giftcard
Let me go
let me escape
all this tension's too much to take 
so much weight, how can i keep
from drowning with your hand holding me

Please let me breathe
you're taking so much from me
I have to let you know
this is as far as I can go

No place to go
so here I stay
left alone with all these memories
sometimes I feel I'm trapped inside
looking for a way out of this life

Please let me breathe
you're taking so much from me
I have to let you know
this is as far as I can go
“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

Dec. 21st, 2007

Ok. Its 1245 am and I have a feeling I'm not going to get much sleep tonight, either. Do you ever feel everything weighing down on your chest like its about to crack. Sometimes I'm just imagining it. Really there's no way to relieve the pressure even if its real. I'm good at analyzing situations after a certain amount of time, and being able to place words in a way that can somewhat express my obscure emotions. But after that the valve is closed and I can't learn anything else. I can determine what's wrong. I can rationally consider everything involved. But it feels like no matter what I do I can never make anything in my life better. 

Everyone has a part of themselves that makes them real. Maybe its something you're just born with. Something that makes them actual individuals capable of strong opinions and normal social interaction.  I feel like I'm the only one who isn't defined, I don't know where my head is. I try to use solid things to hold me down, routines and plans make the future not seem so hard. If I stick to solid things maybe I'll be a real person one day. In a search for stability, latching on to someone can be a relief. Sometimes you forget that you aren't real. Sometimes you can see the lines draw out each part of you because you aren't alone. But only for a certain amount of time. Its probably just me. my outlines keep disappearing. 

sigh. i guess that's all.


In the world of the dreamer there was solitude: all the exaltations and joys came in the moment of preparation for living. They took place in solitude. But with action came anxiety, and the sense of insuperable effort made to match the dream, and with it came weariness, discouragement, and the flight into solitude again. And then in solitude, in the opium den of remembrance, the possibility of pleasure again

I feel a fatigue of the tongue seeking to utter impossible things until it twists itself into a knot and chokes me. I feel a fatigue at this mass of nerves seeking to uphold a world that is falling apart. I feel a fatigue at feeling, at the fervor of my dreams, the fever of my thought, the intensity of my hallucinations. A fatigue at the sufferings of others and my own. I feel my own blood thundering inside of me, I feel the horror of falling into abysms. But you and I would always fall together and I would not be afraid. We would fall into abysms, but you would carry your phosphorescences to the very bottom of the abysms. We could fall together and ascend together, far into space. I was always exhausted by my dreams, not because of the dreams, but because of the fear of not being able to return. I do not need to return. I will find you everywhere. You alone can go wherever I go, into the same mysterious regions. You too know the language of the nerves. You will always know what I am saying even if I do not

-Anais Nin 

I'm looking forward to reading the new Chuck Palahniuk book, whenever i manage to get it. Reading seems to take me out of my mental stupor, at times. 

right now its 11pm and im tired again. but i cant sleep until i finish my homework T.T


I realize now that the reality of things is not something you convey to people but something you make. It is this that gives birth to meaning. 


Nov. 6th, 2007

The capacity of the mind is broad and huge, like the vast sky. Do not sit with a mind fixed on emptiness. If you do, you will fall into a neutral kind of emptiness. Emptiness includes the sun, moon, stars, and planets, the great earth, mountains and rivers, all trees and grasses, bad men and good men, bad things and good things, heaven and hell. They are all in the midst of emptiness.

>.< mhm

The Dead Amanda

I have weird sleeping habits. I'm judgemental. I haven't been alive long enough to have a solid sense of who I am, and that's generally all I'm aiming for. I'm shy, emotional, cold, and depressed, but at times I can be really creative and personable so blah -.- I'm hoping one day the bits of me will come together to form a whole I can be satisfied with. I won't hold my breath.

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